Reflections by: Ashwin Pandiyan, Aaron Dharanan, Jonah Kwek
La Verna
La Verna. The mountain of the Stigmata. The climax of our pilgrimage. The journey up to the sacred mountain was almost unreal. In a very real sense, we were riding up into the clouds. Even in the bus, the journey was a winding, treacherous and long one, and it boggles the mind as to how pilgrims of old made their way up to this holy site by foot. Our fearless driver Damiano, who’s abilities at the wheel surely must have been gifted by God, brought us to a stop in the parking bay in midst of the cloud and the fog and we took a slow walk, heavy with expectation to our home for the next day.
This sanctuary located on the Tuscan Alpines with a peak of 1283m was unlike anything I’d ever seen in my life. Nestled in the midst of the lush greenery of the Alpines, the sanctuary seemed almost like an extension of the natural life of the mountain. The trees and the bricks hummed in unison, the same melody of serenity and content. The fog covered much of the area and at times it was difficult to see but this only served to add to the sense of mystery that already shrouded this place. It somehow encapsulated both simplicity and grandeur in a way that very few things can. What I found particularly remarkable was how this place, sacred beyond measure, was also hospitable. I was stunned that there were such accommodations for visitors and at first struggled to understand why the Friars would not want to keep it as untouched by the world as possible. It was a friend’s insight that reminded me that an aspect of the Franciscan spirituality was indeed hospitality, and that in fact through making this site accessible, the Friar’s had opened up this place of such gravity in the history of Christianity to the multitudes of seekers throughout the world.
We were shown around the sanctuary by two chirpy Novitiates and marvelled at the many wonders that existed in its hallowed halls but it was clear that we were all waiting for the crowning jewel of La Verna and in time, we reached the pinnacle of our pilgrimage. The Chapel of the Stigmata. The surreality of the moment was not lost on me. It felt like there were so many things I needed to feel but as with many of the momentous events on the trip, it was just something that could not be forced. Instead, I chose to express gratitude. For the opportunity to be here. For the experiences I had gained all through the pilgrimage. For the Grace of God that had once again moved my heart beyond what I thought possible. It’s easy to get caught up in always wanting more but in that moment, I was just thankful for all that I already had.
After our tour around the sanctuary, we witnessed an ancient procession undertaken by the Friars everyday at 3pm in the main church hall for the past 800 years. While it was not easy to understand, the sacredness of this ritual broke through the walls of language and time and its beauty was explicit, for all to see. This was followed by mass in the adjacent San Lorenzo Chapel. During mass, Fra. Derrick invited us to consider the mutual giving of love and thus, the compassion that must have existed between Mary and John as Jesus gifted them to one another. Likewise, we too are being invited to be the beloved ones of the Lord by allowing Him to enter deeply into our hearts. This was a timely reminder for me as being surrounded by the environment of La Verna, we had just physically seen the cave that was opened up to Francis by God to seek refuge in during his temptation by the Devil. Similarly, we too are called to enter deep into the cave of our hearts so that we may see Jesus there and be free from the wounds that are inflicting us. Moving into the rest of the day – especially in a spirit of unloading and truly resting in silence with the Lord, I realised the importance of being a person of desire – to place the Lord first and foremost above all things and to give permission to Jesus to hold me close over the next few hours to transform me according to his Will. This encouraged me to use this opportunity wisely and to create a space that would allow Jesus the chance to sit at the throne of my life, where all other distractions such as my phone and laptop were removed, and everything else was stripped away to truly claim Christ as my own.
We were given a generous amount of time for personal reflection of approximately 3 hours. I used this as a chance to explore the compound which was reminiscent of Hogwarts with its long dimly lit corridors and misty grounds. Despite the rain, I was able to discover the Sasso Spicco which was where St Francis used to meditate, and was now marked by a big wooden cross. Moving across the rest of the compound, I was able to discover hidden gems like a random chapel hidden away in the rocks, or unassuming rooms holding hidden treasures like the chapel of votive candles. Having been accustomed to the regular routine of going to Mass and the occasional treat of adoration, this was definitely eye opening as I was able to get a glimpse of the beauty of God in a radically different way. God was no longer limited to the confines of a church, but rather he seemed to exist amidst the trees and cold air surrounding me. The frescoes and porcelain statues – particularly that of baby Jesus and Jesus on the Cross at Calvary reminded me that at every step of my life, there too Jesus was, not only being present but guiding and protecting me to be where I was at that very moment. I could not help but express a sincere gratitude towards Jesus for allowing me to be here and experience this moment of grace. For the first time, when being posed with the question “where are you Lord?” I was able to answer that there he was and will ever be at the centre of my heart.
Time flew by as I soaked in the silence and the sanctity of the place, and the sun began to set. Walking through the pitch-dark compounds with nothing but a torch in my hand, I started to find absolute peace in the darkness of the place. A single ray of light pierced through the darkness, illuminating whatever was in front of me, and it reminded me of the light of Christ, that illuminates in the very same way. As I stood in this Holy Darkness, I realised that there were many things that I was running from in my life, hidden away in the darkest recesses of my heart, that I didn’t even know existed. In essence, I did not have a deep knowledge of who I was. I found myself asking the same question that St. Francis asked, “Who are you God, and who am I?”
I realised that all these struggles made me unconsciously doubt my self-worth, and whether I truly could be loved by God, and by those around me, with all my insecurities. However, as I stood in the silence, in the peace of the darkness, I felt truly at PEACE once again. I realised that I constantly buried myself in my work, unconsciously running away from these demons that I faced. However, God said very strongly in that peace, that all I had to do was to take a step back, and allow myself to be loved. I am not a human DOING, but a human BEING, and all I had to do was to BE God’s beloved, to open my heart to him. This was an extremely painful but healing process, and I realised that this suffering could be holy, that it could be redeeming. If I just allowed God to shine His light into my life and into my heart, He would illuminate the deepest darkest recesses of my heart, and embrace me as I am with all my faults, as I am loved as I am; all I have to do is to allow Him in. I may not be perfect, but God’s love is perfect, and is always being extended, each and every moment. Though it was a misty night, the mist of my heart had just begun to clear; all I am called to do is to continue to walk this journey one step at a time, being open to the Lord’s prompting, and allowing myself to be loved with His love, so that I am able to love others in the same way.
Who are you God, and who am I? This is a question that I will constantly ask, and will probably take a lifetime to answer. However, I am confident and hold strong hope in the Lord, that as long as I continue to walk this journey and find peace and comfort in Him, allowing myself to be loved, I can truly claim my identity in Him, that no one can ever take away from me. I am with the Lord, and the Lord is with me.